Diet Survivors™ newsletter May/June 2007
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"But I need my food issues!"
Core pain. Everyone has it. Known by many names, core pain consists of that most inner part of ourselves where emotional pain and past hurts reside. Those painful thoughts, feelings and beliefs that live closest to our hearts are often not easy to get rid of, and some would even question the merit of trying to do so. Core pain is a theme of literary works, movies, art, theatre, and therapy. We all have opinions and feelings about it. And it's universal.
Have you ever seen an episode of Star Trek? Even if you are too young to have watched the original television series, you're probably familiar with Captain Kirk, the fearless captain of the Starship Enterprise. Together with his crew, Captain Kirk goes on space adventures, with a mission to "boldly go where no one has gone before."
In The Final Frontier, one of the famous Star Trek movies, the crew of the Starship Enterprise meets up with an ironically passionate Vulcan (he has pointy ears like the famous Captain Spock but has chosen emotions over logic) who invites the crew to address and root out their core emotional pain.
The captain's cronies rise to the challenge, each one facing their core pain in their own way. Dr. McCoy faces the moment when he, as a doctor, could not save his own father's life. Captain Spock faces the moment of his birth, when he was born to a human (and therefore flawed) mother. And so it goes. But when it's Captain Kirk's turn, he refuses to be released from his pain. "I need my pain," he declares. He retreats, and carries his pain around with him for the rest of the movie.
Are you sure about that?
Do we need our pain? The answer may not be a simple "yes" or "no." As with most of the philosophical questions in life, the answer is probably more like "sometimes." Emotional pain can drive us to improve our lives. Past injustices can fuel us to seek justice for others and a better world. But are there forms of emotional pain or repeated struggle that do nothing to enhance our lives?
What good does it do, for example, to harbor resentment toward someone who hurt us long ago? Are we really getting revenge on that individual? Or are we only keeping ourselves stuck in our anger? Can we work to improve the world for others while releasing the pain? Why is it that people hang on to their pain? Sometimes we hang onto our pain for fear of what might happen if we let it go.
Humans are prone to superstition of every kind, but the worst kind is that which is unbeknownst even to its owner. This insidious brand of superstition takes the form of a belief that we need something awful in our lives so that something worse will not come knocking on our door. For folks with eating issues, the following is a common, subconscious belief:
If I end my eating problems, life will be all good, and that's not possible. Something worse or unknown could take its place. I think I'll stick to the familiar. I think I'll keep my food issues.
Some would call this a belief in a "sacrificial lamb," as in the biblical reference to a lamb being slaughtered to elicit favor from God. The thinking goes this way: we must have our food issues in order for the rest of life to go smoothly. We need our pain to preserve something else that's good.
But is this true? Have you really seen enough evidence to prove it? Or have you simply told yourself this so many times that you believe it unequivocally? Ponder this idea of a sacrificial lamb, and ask yourself whether any psychological study has proven this to be true. For our part, we don't know of any such studies.
Write down your own beliefs. What are your sacrificial lambs in your life? Ask yourself, is it possible to think a different way? Is there a wiser, more rational belief about pain and problems?
While it's true that all human life has some suffering, we don't need to intentionally add some. The more realistic truth is that some folks have more pain than others. Some invite pain and suffering. Others are lucky or unlucky. Still others are better equipped to look at everything in their lives positively or at least turn lemons into lemonade. Which are you? Is it possible you are needlessly hanging onto a pain in your life, out of fear of what unknown monster could replace it?
As you become willing to test the hypothesis that this pain you're hanging onto is not buying you anything, you can begin to consider some replacement beliefs and thoughts. Remember—this isn't about musts. Rather, this is about what you think you might feel like doing. Did you know there is an important place in your life for your slow ponderings and inclinations? Learn to take things a step at a time. Here are some example replacement beliefs and other productive self-talk:
- I think I'd like to find some new courage inside myself to release some of this pain
- I've believed for a long time that something worse could happen but I'm starting to wonder if it's not true
- It's possible I've wasted many years believing something that wasn't actually true.
- If what I've believed for all these years turns out not to be true, I'd like to accept the loss and move on
- Examining my beliefs and replacing some of them with more rational beliefs is a way to achieve more happiness and success in my life.
- I wonder if maybe successful, happy people with few emotional problems are simply folks who engage in more more rational beliefs and self-talk than I do. I'd like to learn by imitating them. I'd like to stick with the winners!
- I have total control over what I believe. In fact, there are few other things in my life over which I have so much control. And now I'm realizing that this is a very powerful form of control, even life-changing.
- I don't have to change my beliefs, but I'd like to try moving in that direction.
- Becoming a little bit introspective about my beliefs sure is a good thing. I'd like to tell my friends about it! But of course, I needed to be ready to hear it, and they will need to be, too. All I can do is try
By the end of the movie, Captain Kirk still had not let go of his pain, declaring that one's secret pain is part of what makes up who we are. He's right, in that life is never entirely pain-free. Furthermore, we've explored the idea that our emotional pain can be productive.
However, the other characters are now walking a little more lightly. Dr. McCoy no longer blames himself for the death of his father, and Captain Spock is more confident than ever about his choice to dwell among humans rather than Vulcans. There is, indeed some liberation to be found in becoming aware of an emotional pain that needn't be there.
Do you really want to hang onto the pain of your food issues and the emotional pain of your extra weight? Is hanging onto them really buying you anything? Or is it time to let them go?
The technical change
Have you ever watched a cat chase its tail? The behavior may seem silly, but the cat is bored and passing the time in a way that is not self-destructive. We should be so smart! Notice that the cat is not filling his time with trying to save the world. Like the furry feline, we don't always have to replace our boredom with something important or creative. Why are we so hard on ourselves?
This months' suggested technical change (or external change) is to find something new and inane to do when you're bored. Like the cat chasing its tail, you can simply have fun. Make paper airplanes if you want to. Find something that won't hurt you, the way overeating hurts you.
You don't have to pressure yourself to use that time to save the world. How about if you just hang out? Nothing bad will happen if you drop the boredom-eating. Later, if you feel some special calling to do something important, you'll know it. But you don't have to.
The adaptive change
Try adjusting your thinking. Will something awful happen if you let go of your food issues? Dare to give it a try. Making an adaptive change (or internal change) can be scary. We ask ourselves many "what ifs."
But if you're fed up, you'll be willing to take the leap, and see what happens if you let go of this pain in your life. It doesn't have to be instant. Instead, picture yourself moving in the direction of trading in your pain for nothing at all—or maybe some needed peace.
The sober awakening you will have is that you didn't need to be hanging onto that pain as some kind of magic charm that would chase away all other ills. Life will simply go on as it did before, only, just like Dr. McCoy and Captain Spock, your shoulders will be a little less burdened.
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Julia Cameron from The Artist's Way
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Copyright © 2005, Linda E. Moran. All rights reserved.
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